Feeling Fragile….

It’s almost here. I’ve been dreading it. I knew it was going to consume me with grief. But I have to live it. I have to feel it. In a year’s time it will probably hit me again or not, maybe a little easier. But for now I am trying really hard to keep the spirit of Christmas alive for my children, for my husband, for my grandad, for my mum and the rest of my family and most importantly for the lady who would dearly love to be here for it….my nana!

It’s been almost 6 months since I lost my nana. The sweetest lady I knew. The lady who taught me so much and loved me unconditionally. The lady who I could tell anything to. The lady I would both laugh and cry with during one phone conversation. I miss her soft touch, her beautiful kisses and her voice. I miss her so much, it hurts more than ever and at the moment I’m feeling fragile and stricken with grief all over again like I did the day I had to say goodbye.

As each day has passed since then, our lives have slowly been going back to normal. You get back into the routine of living and the days turn into months. For a while you start to smile again and enjoy the comforts of your friends and family. But I knew that this Christmas would be hard. I think it really hit me last week when I wrote out my Christmas list and I went to write down nana’s name and I remembered…I don’t have to buy a present for her anymore ;( The littlest things at the moment remind me of a memory of nana, which usually ends in tears and sadness. I find it hard to look at photos and where I was finding comfort in talking about nana, I can barely speak the word without wanting to howl! If I’m feeling this fragile at the moment, I can’t even imagine what my grandad and mum are feeling;(

Christmas has been celebrated religiously around family my whole life and nana use to create the best Christmas for us. She is the only person I know who had a fresh Christmas tree when we were little and she use to buy us the most beautiful gifts that we would love and cherish (I still have my cabbage patch doll she bought for me)! The matriarch of our family taught us how to cook a Christmas lunch that would feed an army and she taught us has to work hard…nana would always be the last one standing in the kitchen!

Over the past decade, it’s been so nice looking after nana and waiting on her on Christmas Day, just like she always did for us. But now, those days are over. We won’t get to celebrate another Christmas with our lady. For weeks now a part of me wishes I could close my eyes and live through this Christmas, but that’s not the answer. Moving forward is about experiencing these emotions. Christmas is about children, family, rejoicing in what we have. We may not have our nana with us anymore, but we will always have her spirit to guide us and her legacy that she left behind.

On the weekend we decorated our house. We put up our tree and covered our house with over 2000 lights. It is usually one of my favourite weekends of the year. But this year felt different. The kids were super excited and that’s what kept me going. I would walk away when I felt overwhelmed and teary and kept going when I felt ok enough to. I have to put on a brave face my children. They are sad that nana isn’t here anymore, but kids are so endearing when it comes to loss. Every night when we go outside to look at our lights, Sienna picks out the brightest star in the sky and says “nana is watching us!” Or she just yells out “hello nana!” 😉

As I sit here watching my precious babies eat their dessert while relishing in our beautiful lights, they will pull me through this fragile state. Christmas will come and we will shed tears, but we will smile when one of the kids says something adorable and we will laugh when someone says something funny. We owe it to the greatest women we know to embrace the festive season. Nana can’t enjoy Christmas and the great things that come with it, but we will do it for her. I can just see her saying “pick yourself up and have always

I will always have the most amazing memories of our last Christmas with nana, these memories will be cherished forever!

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What Becomes of a Broken Heart?

Life is precious. Life is a treasure. But sometimes life is just unfair!!! After watching my nana suffer with Parkinson’s Disease for the past 5 years, we found ourselves saying a lot, that is was just ‘unfair’ that nana had to live out her life with a debilitating disease that day by day took her ability to live a good quality life. Then to pass away the way that she did, we found ourselves again saying that it was just unfair!!! Our hearts broke in a million pieces the day nana took her last breath on this earth…now what becomes of our broken hearts??

If that wasn’t bad enough, last night my cousin and her husband had to say goodbye to their precious baby boy at the young age of 6 weeks old. Now how ‘unfair’ is that! Having to cope with a broken heart from losing a love one is one thing, but losing your child has to be the most unfair card dealt in a lifetime…now what becomes of their broken hearts!

17 years ago my uncle lost his wife, 7 years later his first-born child was tragically killed in a car accident – again how ‘unfair’ is that and what has become of his broken heart??

There are so many sayings that keep going through my head:
Whatever doesn’t break you makes you stronger…
Things happen for a reason…
Things happen to people who can handle it…
But why does it need to happen in the first place!?!?

This year has been terrible! I feel like it’s been one bad news story after another and not just with our family with lots of people! Every time I turn the news on or read any social media, someone is grieving or someone is fighting for their life….from this means lots of broken hearts have happened – what becomes of them?

I believe I am a very positive person and try not to let things get me down. But lately, with what our family has been through over the past few months you do start to question the faith that you’ve always held!

As my beautiful family try and start to rebuild the faith that has been lost of late, I’m trying to keep a positive mind and focus on the things that do become of a broken heart…
*strength
*courage
*character building
*the bond of a family unit becomes even more united
*the legacy our loved ones have left, allow us to keep moving forward in memory of them!

No one can mend a broken heart, time is the only thing that will help it to heal. The time is not measurable but with the love and support of family and friends around it sure helps take the edge off!

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I Can’t Even Imagine:(

Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? Whenever you turn on the news at the moment it reeks with one tragedy after another. It signals another one’s pain and loss. My husband and I just sat down and watched the news to witness the story of a beautiful lady, 35 weeks pregnant who has a 2 year old daughter and loving husband, had been struck down by a car and tragically killed….what has hit us the most is that we know this lovely person from high school.

She wasn’t a close friend, in fact she was a year older than us, but I remember her being so friendly and she was always so happy. My heart aches for this poor family. A husband is left without a wife and a little girl without a mother:( and her family will not only grieve the loss of a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, they will grieve for the loss of the little baby she was so close to giving birth to.

Again why? She was so kind and friendly. She was happily on a family outing enjoying her last weeks with her daughter and husband, minding her own business and was sadly in the wrong place at the wrong time:( Seriously everyday has to be lived to the max as you just don’t know what’s around the corner!

This tragedy has left me feeling so sad and guttered for her family! Life throws some pretty shitty curve balls and it just seems so unfair why so much tragedy happens to the innocent! It also makes me appreciate even more what I have and that anything going on that seems unfair in my life is irrelevant!

My thoughts and prayers are with this lovely person’s husband, daughter and family tonight! I can’t even imagine what her poor husband is going through right now, but with the support of a loving family and the innocence of his adorable little girl, he will find the strength…it will just take some time:(

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RIP Kerryn Blucher….xoxoxox!

http://m.couriermail.com.au/news/woman-killed-in-car-park-accident-at-redland-spring-festival-was-35-weeks-pregnant/story-e6freon6-1226468295334

Our Sleeping Baby Is Looking Down on Us!

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Miscarriage. It’s a word that you hear so often these days. The statistics are quite high really with 1 in 8 women miscarrying and as small as 1 in four as a lot of miscarriages happen in the first two weeks of conception so aren’t actually recorded down, as women wouldn’t always realise they were pregnant. It makes you wonder why? What are we doing to our bodies? Is there something in our food? Is it contraception methods we used before wanting to fall pregnant? Lifestyle? My reason for writing this blog is to give women hope. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Up until then I had hardly heard of anyone having a miscarriage. But once I started to tell people, suddenly so many women started sharing their stories with me and I went from feeling so alone to feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Once I knew there were others around me who had experienced the same emotions of this particular loss, it actually helped with my healing process.

This is my story………
It’s been over 7 years now since I miscarried. We’d been married for almost 6 months. I couldn’t wait to start trying for a family of our own. If I had it my way I would have started on our wedding night, but we decided to wait for a few months and enjoy just being a married couple. A few months later, it was the start of a new year and we were on holidays so we figured there was no time like the present. I was hoping to be like the line of women in my family, who were instant breeding machines, but no such luck! Three months later though we were thrilled when the ‘YOU ARE PREGNANT’ line showed up on the stick! You cold not wipe the smile off both our faces, we were over the moon and couldn’t help but share our excitement with our family and close friends. Then the smile was wiped off my face when I was struck down with terrible morning sickness from the start! But I still smiled because I was going to be a mum!!!

Even though at this stage your baby is the size of a grain of rice, it is still a life and a life that you somehow bond with straightaway. From the minute you are given the confirmation of your pregnancy, you instantly start to plan in your head and you can’t help but love this life that you and your partner have created! I was just over 6 weeks when I started spotting. I remember it so clearly as I was at work and it was my birthday!!! I kept telling myself that everything was going to be ok. I went to my GP who ordered a scan and told me to go home and rest. I felt so helpless and completely useless for not being able to have any control over what was happening. I had a scan which showed nothing more than the fact that there was an embryo in my uterus with a heartbeat. This left me feeling very hopeful that everything would be ok. My GP was quite hopeful too and wanted me to have a week of bed rest and feet up, but he also told me that if anything was to happen at this stage of a pregnancy there is nothing they can do.

During the week I spent in bed I kept spotting on and off but nothing too serious. I kept telling my little baby rice grain to hang in there. It wasn’t until the sixth day in bed I work up feeling really positive that everything was going to be ok….this was obviously the calm before the storm. Mum had come over to check up on me and I felt like I was feeling better. I was sitting out the back on our garden bed in the sun and then things begun. I started getting period like cramps and I knew something wasn’t right. Within about half an hour or so from that first cramp, I passed a large blood clot and that signaled to me that my little baby rice grain couldn’t hold on anymore – I was 7 and a half weeks pregnant:( I went to the emergency department at the Mater Hospital who took great care of me. My blood test results confirmed that I had miscarried and I was booked in for a D and C (curette) the next morning! The whole thing happened so quickly and all I remember is I was left feeling guttered! It’s the worst feeling when something you want so desperately is given to you and then taken away from you without anyone having any control over it!

Arriving home from hospital was hard as it meant life had to begin again. It was the beginning of the healing process and the beginning of picking yourself up and moving on. I was so lucky as Kane was extremely sensitive and supportive of what I was going through and my family and friends were a huge help with all of their beautiful words of prayers and best wishes. Facing people for the first time was hard. Going back to work was the hardest. And of course everywhere I looked someone was pregnant or announcing they were pregnant. I was so happy for them but so sad for us! I felt so alone and even though my husband was experiencing a loss to, we physically go through something they’ll never know. But one thing that helped with my healing process, was talking to other women who had experienced a miscarriage as well. My beautiful mother was my rock as she had had a miscarriage at 16 weeks which was far more devastating then what I was going through. Mum had to give birth to her baby and had already felt it kick and was showing before she lost her baby. This allowed me to be thankful that I didn’t reach this point and that no matter how much pain and sadness I was going through, there is always someone else out there worse off than I!

A month passed and my cycle went straight back to normal. One good thing that came out of all of this was that I knew I was able to fall pregnant and this is what kept me positive. 6 weeks after I’d miscarried we were given our little miracle and today he is 6 years old….Bailey Kane Trew:) I often look at Bay and think if we didn’t have a miscarriage our only baby boy wouldn’t have been born. Since Bailey we went on to have two healthy baby girls, Sienna and Mia who are 4 and 18 months old. Of course with each pregnancy I always had an uneasy feeling that I would miscarry again, but I tried to not let that spoil the joy and excitement of what we were going through. I often wonder what our first little baby was and what it would have been like but now I have this vision that our baby that is sleeping is always looking down on us!

There is hope at the end of a miscarriage and I as well as so many women around the world are living proof of that. It makes me sad when I hear that someone has had a miscarriage, as it always brings me back to the day I was left feeling guttered and helpless. But with great support, determination and a positive attitude, the family you have always longed for will be created. The day I miscarried I remember thinking if I only have one baby I would be so grateful and grateful I am as I’ve been blessed with three of the most precious angels, which have helped us create our Party of 5!

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