A Mother’s Guilt….


Why is it, that a mother spends so much of her time feeling guilty? It’s like the minute we gave birth, a pit in the bottom of our belly wasn’t filled properly and that’s where our guilt is stored. I can’t shake the feeling of guilt this week!

As you all know my precious baby girl…who will always be my baby girl to me, started school this week. It seriously only feels like yesterday that I birthed her 10 pound 2 baby body. Where has the time gone? It just doesn’t seem right that she is already off to school! When my first baby started school, he was completely ready and to be honest so was I! Bailey and Sienna are so different. Bailey has always been quite challenging and demanding where Sienna has always been my carefree sweet little pea that has been my shining light on a dark dim day! And my third baby…a lot like her brother lol!

I’ve been questioning myself…why? I’ve done this before it should be easier!! But instead of being ok with Sienna starting school, I feel guilty that she has grown up so quickly and I feel like it’s my fault, because when Sienna was 2 and a half we had our third baby and life has been like a rollercoaster since! Bailey was lucky and had me to himself for 2 and a half years before Sienna was born and Mia will now have me to herself for three years before she goes to school…what time has Sienna had with me on her own? She was fortunate enough to have a month with me on her own before Mia was born! A month!!! And in that month I was diagnosed with a heart condition and rushed in to have our baby as we didn’t know what was going to happen!

So this week I can’t help but feel guilty for my precious middle baby. All these things have gone through my head…she didn’t ask to have a baby sister! It’s not fair she hasn’t had the time with me the other two have! She’s been lost in the process of us having a third baby!!! I know it’s crazy and I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I just can’t help it!!! Sienna has always been so soft and gentle. She was the little girl in the playground getting pushed over and the precious little poppet who always needed to know where her mummy was and the touch of her mummies hand mad everything just super! She holds her own at home with family, but is so different from my two February babies – who I love more than life itself as well, but geesh lol!!!!

Sienna has always pulled at the heart strings. She is my emotional little bunny that cries and gets her feelings hurt quite easily and suffers separation anxiety! I am extremely proud of how she is handling prep though;) It was only twelve months ago, when I dropped her off at preschool two days a week, that she would scream for me when I left. It broke my heart, but I had to walk away as I knew she would adjust…eventually! And that she did. She has grown and matured so much over the past year. She still has a few tears when I drop her off at prep and throughout her day, but is becoming so brave and holds herself together which makes it so much easier for me to turn away and leave once I can see she is happy….I know this is pay back as I did the same thing to my mother lol…but that makes it worse because I know exactly how she feels! Her little “I missed you today mummy” will eventually pass with TIME and thankfully she has the most sweetest teacher who we all adore!

Every child is different and losing each child to their schooling years also feels different! For Bailey and I, him going to school was the best thing for our relationship and that has stayed as strong as ever, but I really miss my Sie Sie girl…and so does her baby sister! And once Mia starts prep, I would have been home with the kids for 10 years so I’m guessing I’ll be celebrating lol…but really I’ll be mourning the loss of not having anymore babies at home!

I think I’ll always have a guilty feeling when it comes to my Sie Sie girl, my middle child, my thumb sucker, my June 30th baby! But I will make sure I spend forever making it up to her, not that she even notices and this is the thing…WE as mothers spend our time agonising over things and feeling guilty when our precious little gems really couldn’t give a hoot…arrrr! lol…oh the joys of being a mum!

Dear Sienna,
I love you baby girl! From the minute you entered this world and were placed on my chest we formed a mother/daughter bond like no other. You are my shining star when it’s too dark to find my way and you sure know how to make me laugh. From a baby to a toddler you were such a good little poppet that never did any wrong by anyone. Your amazing smile lights up the room and you’ve always been so beautiful with your ringlet blonde hair and olive complexion. We are so proud of how far you’ve come and can’t wait to be apart of all your special occasions along the way! Be brave baby girl, once you settle and show your confidence, you have the potential to achieve anything you want!
Love Mummy…xoxoxo!

To all my fellow mummies who have had a child start kindy or prep this year be strong everything takes TIME!

A Snip in the String!

Things are changing. Bailey is becoming a mature little man, Mia has left her baby days behind her and is becoming an independent little lady and the biggest change that is round the corner is Sienna starting prep. That means when school resumes for another year next year, I’ll have two out of three of my children going to school!

When you become a mum for the first time, you really only think about the kisses, cuddles and laughter that will be shared with your little ones, but my goodness it’s so much more than that! With each age brings a new phase. For the first few years the phases are ones that are managed from the home and then they turn 4 and 5 and they have to go to school! School! That means 5 days a week, 6 hours a day of being under the influence of someone other than yourself, husband or grandparent! It’s the first bit of the apron string that is cut forever and it’s really hard to stomach!

From the second Sienna was placed on my chest she became my little princess, the sun that brightens up my day with her infectious smile and laugh. Up until the age of 3 and a half she was only ever cared for by myself, my husband or my mother. When she started preschool she was so sad:( She cried when we dropped her off and was ecstatic when we arrived to pick her up! She would beg me to let her stay home with nanny. But then she started to cry less and less when we dropped her off. She started to become confident when having to leave me. She finally found a love of learning and enjoyed having a place that she could call her school!

Thank goodness! I was beginning to think Sienna was never going to want to cut her piece of the apron string, but slowly, bit by bit she has. You spend days and days leading up to the first time they have to leave you feeling sad and terrible and then when they cry and have to be ripped off your leg, you wish that they were happy and excited to be there…you can’t win! Sienna is so much like me. I always cried when I started school for the first time, which makes it even worse because I know exactly how she is feeling! Bailey has always been so different! He has hardly shed a tear when he’s been dropped off somewhere for the first time!

Yesterday was the beginning of what will be a wonderful prep journey for Sienna. It was Runcorn Heights prep orientation day. Sienna was exposed to her teachers, aides, peers and classrooms. She had a wonderful time after feeling a bit apprehensive before we got there. Yesterday showed me that my baby girl has matured and developed so much in terms of her confidence and self-esteem since the beginning of the year! I know I didn’t leave her, but there was no sign of tears or shyness, just lots of smiles and her having fun! This made my stomach feel settled and I was left feeling happy and content:)!

Then the moment when you purchase their school uniform for the first time! They wish for you to rush home so they can try it on. The shirt went on first, then the shorts and finally the hat. They instantly go from your baby to this big grown up that secretly you wish you could squish back up to a baby! You feel the tears wanting to drop from your eyes, but you don’t want them to notice! How did this happen? How did I go from breastfeeding, changing nappies, celebrating her first word and first steps to a prep student, in what feels like a blink of an eye!

This time should be easier, I’ve already done this before. But it’s not. No matter how many times I get one of my children ready to embark on their school journey, I always feel sad…happy for them, but sad that another chapter has closed! But as they say as one door closes another one opens. The new phase for us will be strange and different! I haven’t had one child home with me for 4 and a half years and Mia is going to miss her best gal like crazy! But I know this is the beginning of my little poppet’s education, where she will begin to stamp her mark on this world and for her to do this successfully, I have to set her free and snip that part of the string!

My big prep girl…she looks so adorable and grown up in her uniform:)