Why is it, that a mother spends so much of her time feeling guilty? It’s like the minute we gave birth, a pit in the bottom of our belly wasn’t filled properly and that’s where our guilt is stored. I can’t shake the feeling of guilt this week!
As you all know my precious baby girl…who will always be my baby girl to me, started school this week. It seriously only feels like yesterday that I birthed her 10 pound 2 baby body. Where has the time gone? It just doesn’t seem right that she is already off to school! When my first baby started school, he was completely ready and to be honest so was I! Bailey and Sienna are so different. Bailey has always been quite challenging and demanding where Sienna has always been my carefree sweet little pea that has been my shining light on a dark dim day! And my third baby…a lot like her brother lol!
I’ve been questioning myself…why? I’ve done this before it should be easier!! But instead of being ok with Sienna starting school, I feel guilty that she has grown up so quickly and I feel like it’s my fault, because when Sienna was 2 and a half we had our third baby and life has been like a rollercoaster since! Bailey was lucky and had me to himself for 2 and a half years before Sienna was born and Mia will now have me to herself for three years before she goes to school…what time has Sienna had with me on her own? She was fortunate enough to have a month with me on her own before Mia was born! A month!!! And in that month I was diagnosed with a heart condition and rushed in to have our baby as we didn’t know what was going to happen!
So this week I can’t help but feel guilty for my precious middle baby. All these things have gone through my head…she didn’t ask to have a baby sister! It’s not fair she hasn’t had the time with me the other two have! She’s been lost in the process of us having a third baby!!! I know it’s crazy and I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I just can’t help it!!! Sienna has always been so soft and gentle. She was the little girl in the playground getting pushed over and the precious little poppet who always needed to know where her mummy was and the touch of her mummies hand mad everything just super! She holds her own at home with family, but is so different from my two February babies – who I love more than life itself as well, but geesh lol!!!!
Sienna has always pulled at the heart strings. She is my emotional little bunny that cries and gets her feelings hurt quite easily and suffers separation anxiety! I am extremely proud of how she is handling prep though;) It was only twelve months ago, when I dropped her off at preschool two days a week, that she would scream for me when I left. It broke my heart, but I had to walk away as I knew she would adjust…eventually! And that she did. She has grown and matured so much over the past year. She still has a few tears when I drop her off at prep and throughout her day, but is becoming so brave and holds herself together which makes it so much easier for me to turn away and leave once I can see she is happy….I know this is pay back as I did the same thing to my mother lol…but that makes it worse because I know exactly how she feels! Her little “I missed you today mummy” will eventually pass with TIME and thankfully she has the most sweetest teacher who we all adore!
Every child is different and losing each child to their schooling years also feels different! For Bailey and I, him going to school was the best thing for our relationship and that has stayed as strong as ever, but I really miss my Sie Sie girl…and so does her baby sister! And once Mia starts prep, I would have been home with the kids for 10 years so I’m guessing I’ll be celebrating lol…but really I’ll be mourning the loss of not having anymore babies at home!
I think I’ll always have a guilty feeling when it comes to my Sie Sie girl, my middle child, my thumb sucker, my June 30th baby! But I will make sure I spend forever making it up to her, not that she even notices and this is the thing…WE as mothers spend our time agonising over things and feeling guilty when our precious little gems really couldn’t give a hoot…arrrr! lol…oh the joys of being a mum!
I love you baby girl! From the minute you entered this world and were placed on my chest we formed a mother/daughter bond like no other. You are my shining star when it’s too dark to find my way and you sure know how to make me laugh. From a baby to a toddler you were such a good little poppet that never did any wrong by anyone. Your amazing smile lights up the room and you’ve always been so beautiful with your ringlet blonde hair and olive complexion. We are so proud of how far you’ve come and can’t wait to be apart of all your special occasions along the way! Be brave baby girl, once you settle and show your confidence, you have the potential to achieve anything you want!
To all my fellow mummies who have had a child start kindy or prep this year be strong everything takes TIME!