Today I finished sorting the last bedroom in our house – my baby girl’s room! As I placed each item of clothing in a pile that is too tiny for her now, I felt sick, sad, depressed that no baby of mine will wear those clothes again:(……I thought I was ok about moving forward but quite clearly I’m not!
In the past month Mia has gone from a baby toddler to a big girl toddler and as she discovers a new trick and speaks a new word or phrase, it reminds me more and more of how my days as a mother of a baby are slowly dwindling! A couple of months back I wrote a blog on ‘Knowing When You’re Complete’, I know in my heart (literally) we won’t be having anymore children but that doesn’t mean I’m at peace with this (like I thought I was)!
I’m really bad at the moment and can’t even bring myself to look through the kids baby photos! What’s wrong with me…I’m an emotional basket case!!!! Their baby photos bring back such powerful (and the best) memories just like they were yesterday! I still remember the minute each of them were born and placed on my chest, the instant bond that no one could come between. The baby smell oh how I loved thee, to the point I could have eaten their little cheeks off lol! The precious moments of breast feeding, having them smile and laugh at me for the first time and all the other special milestones that our babies reach! No wonder letting go is so damn hard!
As I see a pregnant women or a newborn baby I smile with happiness for them, but behind my smile are tears of sorrow. 6 months ago if you asked me am I done, I would of said hell yeah!! Mia was such a difficult baby and for a long time put me off having anymore. But now my sweet little pea is content and happy, it has shadowed all the hard times. Someone at work asked me yesterday am I done, this time my response was unfortunately:(
I would love a 4th baby to even our family up, but my life’s path decided it wasn’t meant to be the day I found out about my heart! I probably may not have had a fourth anyway, but there are times like now that the fact the decision has been taken out of my control makes me feel mixed emotions! I’ve loved having babies, it’s been the absolute best time of my life so far….but OMG how fast has it gone!!! After writing a piece last week about our wedding day 8 years ago and now we have 3 adorable children in toe….please time SLOW DOWN!!!!
I know I need to get over myself and move forward and I will. I don’t know what it is but it’s just not sitting right with me at the moment! Yes I feel blessed with my 3 beautiful babies and yes I’ve worked hard to regain the old me back and yes if I had a fourth their ears would be disastrous like their brother and sister’s, but I think no matter how I look at the situation I would always want another one if it was my 4th, 5th or 6th….because having babies is something I love and was meant to do which is why I’m finding it hard to let go!
I’m just so glad that I’ve cherished each moment through a photo, video or piece of clothing. Because it’s these memories that will always keep my ‘baby days’ alive for me….these are some of those special memories and things that I will never part with:
Our first photo as a family!
This is the box where all the things I just can’t part with will live….I’ve also got Bailey’s first dummy, I kept a spare newborn nappy to show the kids when they are older how tiny they were. I’ve also kept their hospital bracelets, name cards and clamp from their bellybutton ….I know I’m a freak!!!! Lol!
I know I have so much more to look forward to as each of my children grow and develop….but there just isn’t anything quite as beautiful than a snuggle with your newborn….but I do think snuggling with any of my babies no matter how old they are sure is just as precious!